megram - Index

megram - 55NovOttawa - Index

care.They are more independent and safety is less of an
issue. Grandparents and teenagers can have serious, interesting
conversations about politics, the news and life in
general. It’s great fun to play chess, board games and tennis,
or to hit some golf balls.
Ann Douglas, the author of The Mother of All
Parenting Books, sums up adolescent needs nicely: they
want independence, love, the respect of their peers and
control over their lives.We grandparents can play a positive
role in helping them meet these needs while maintaining
a close relationship with them at the same time.
The grandparents and parents that I interviewed for this
column had some thoughtful advice on this topic.
Be flexible. Josephine, dedicated grandmother of 12,
loves to spend time with her teenaged grandchildren but
she realizes that plans change and she tries to be flexible.
Peggy has learned that it is harder to schedule time with
her teenage grandchildren and that they are more likely to
commit to a movie or the lake for the weekend if she
includes their friends.An added bonus is that she gets to
know more about them as she watches them interact
together.
Be reliable. Reliability is important for adolescents,
even if they aren’t always reliable themselves. You can’t
necessarily predict when they may want to spend time
with you. Josephine’s daughter-in-law talked about how
important it was that her teenage children always knew
they could count on Oma to be there, even when she was
working full-time:“She made herself a part of their lives.”
Stay interested and involved. Ask them questions:
about their school, their sports, their favourite music, the
books they are reading. If you know their likes and dislikes,it
is easier to plan activities that will engage them,be
it hiking, hockey games, concerts, boarding, biking, fishing
or shopping.
Some grandparents travel with their teenage grandchildren.
Peggy’s grandsons have been to conferences
with her. Because they are older, they amuse themselves
while she works and they plan outings together for the
evenings and weekends. Josephine has taken hers to
Europe to ski with her daughter and her family. Norman
has scheduled a fishing trip with each grandson when
they turn fourteen. Even his ten-year-old granddaughter is
looking forward to this trip because Grandpa has assured
her she doesn’t have to touch the fish or the worms!
If you are in any way technologically savvy, this is a
good way to connect with teenagers. Josephine’s teenage
grandson “perks up when I want anything done with my
iPod.”Teenagers love text-messaging and Facebook. Nancy
was invited to join Facebook by her granddaughter. Now
she is on it every week and has learned all kinds of things
about her granddaughter and her friends.And although she
is sometimes shocked at the topics they discuss,she realizes
November/December 2008 • 23 • Fifty-Five Plus Magazine
she is now more in touch with the younger generation.
Don’t take things personally. Teenagers can be
remote and unpredictable but we can’t take it personally
or give up on them. Unlike young grandchildren who usually
want to talk about anything and everything, pre-teens
especially can be uncommunicative. Josephine has come
to realize:“you have to bide your time, from about age 13
to 15, and then the conversation becomes exciting again.
They are simply going through a stage, and once through
it, they are totally delightful.”
If possible, develop the relationship early.
Grandparents who were able to develop relationships
with their grandchildren when they were young felt this
gave them a definite advantage with teenage grandchildren.Peggy
discussed how the trust had been built and the
foundations laid by the time her four eldest grandsons
were teenagers.Said Josephine:“I have really good relationships
with them, but you build that as you go along. It
develops early; and then when they are teenagers, you just
wait until they let you into their lives.”
Help teenagers build self esteem and skills. Peggy
does school projects with her teenage grandchildren. “It
means you can learn more about them, have fun together,
and I know they will hand it in on time.” Stu, a former soccer
player himself, attends all his sixteen-year-old grandson’s
soccer games and often takes him out for a burger
afterwards to discuss strategies. Josephine’s granddaughter,
Pendle, told her that she learned stamina from her
grandmother through all their years of skiing together.
According to Pendle, this endurance has helped her both
in life and in school.
Enjoy your teenage grandchildren. This was a
common theme in all the interviews. Have fun with them.
Be open to new ideas.Learn from them.Josephine went so
far as to purchase a book on how to talk to teenagers.“I
probably didn’t need it but I wanted to be prepared. I like
going for walks together and talking to them.”Engage them
in activities you both enjoy.
In conclusion, perhaps my son-in-law is right. In another
few years Alexa may no longer e-mail me saying,
“Grandma, I was just wondering what you and Granddad
were up to this weekend.” But maybe she will still want to
go to the occasional concert with us if we continue to stay
interested and involved in her life — and pay for the tickets.
Josephine has a wonderful turn of phrase for the role
she wants to play in her teenage grandchildrens’ lives and
it certainly resonated with me: “In the end, I want to be
their soft place to land.”
Mary Jane Sterne and Peggy Edwards are the authors of
Intentional Grandparenting: A Boomer’s Guide
(McClelland and Stewart, 2005). The authors live in
Ottawa and have 19 grandchildren between them.